Thursday 17 December 2009

Is It A Hard Life?

To be true lovers together? To love and live forever in each other’s hearts?

Is it a long hard fight?
To learn to care for each other? To trust in one another right from the start?

These questions (liberally taken from the classic Queen song It’s a Hard Life) should strike a chord with anyone who has faced, or is facing, the Infidelity Issue.

A comment by Ulaca about Miroslava "Mirka" Federer, who is Roger Federer’s wife, being someone “to cross at your own peril” reveals what is long believed to be essential in relationships. HKSARblog believes it is rational and reasonable to expect that equality and mutual respect forms the basis of a successful relationship.

Superficially, if we look at the marriages of Roger Federer and Tiger Woods, it is likely that most people will regard Mirka Federer to be “more or less equal” to her husband, whereas Elin Woods is likely to be seen as “less equal” to her husband. That’s basically the point of Ulaca’s comment, and assuming that he does not personally know Mirka, I would say Ulaca’s comment is based solely on his distant impression of Mirka as someone not to “cross swords” with. That is, Mirka gives the impression of being a bit “ballsy” (thanks to Gweipo for bringing up 'balls'). And if you take Mirka's background in to account, she was also a professional tennis player (her highest singles ranking is 76th) and she is a few years older than Roger, then it is perhaps not surprising that Mirka and Roger’s relationship has a healthy dose of equality and mutual respect.

[Mirka and Roger on court; Roger and Mirka off court. Photos courtesy FedererMagic Blog]

Can the same be said of Elin and Tiger’s relationship? Does Elin have any “professional” understanding of golf? Does she have any experience of being an independent, strong-willed woman (prior to being betrayed)? Is she “ballsy”? Looking at her background, she has worked as a supermarket cashier, retail shop girl, model, and a nanny. Are these job experiences challenging, or helpful with building character and in developing a sense about the world? How does she see her achievements, especially when compared with the achievements of her professional golfer husband? Is this relevant?

[Tiger and Elin Woods. Photos from GoogleImages]

It is perhaps unfair to take a superficial look at these two “celebrity” marriages, and then apply this "principle" to all relationships. However, the main point is that whenever one person in a relationship is, or thinks s/he is, “more equal" than the other, then problems will inevitably occur. And if, for any reason, these issues can not be discussed and resolved then the Infidelity Issue will likely arise (providing separation doesn’t kick in first). Both sides play a part in how the relationship develops. After all, It’s a hard life and it’s a long hard fight ... but if you’re with the right person then it is definitely worthwhile.

QUEEN-It's A Hard Life

Lyrics: It's A Hard Life

I don't want my freedom
There's no reason for living with a broken heart

This is a tricky situation

I've only got myself to blame

It's just a simple fact of life

It can happen to anyone

You win - you lose

It's a chance you have to take with love

Oh yeah - I fell in love

And now you say it's over and I'm falling apart

It's a hard life

To be true lovers together

To love and live forever in each others hearts

It's a long hard fight

To learn to care for each other

To trust in one another right from the start

When you're in love

I try to mend the broken pieces

I try to fight back the tears

They say it's just a state of mind

But it happens to everyone

How it hurts - deep inside

When your love has cut you down to size

Life is tough - on your own

Now I'm waiting for something to fall from the skies

And I'm waiting for love

Yes it's a hard life

Two lovers together

To love and live forever in each others hearts

It's a long hard fight

To learn to care for each other

To trust in one another - right from the start

When you're in love

Yes it's a hard life

In a world that's filled with sorrow

There are people searching for love in ev'ry way

It's a long hard fight

But I'll always live for tomorrow

I'll look back on myself and say I did it for love

Yes I did it for love - for love - oh I did it for love


  1. Tricky question. I think you're right about equality though. I remember enduring a dinner with some female acquaintances, they were all my age, none of them had had a careers, all were married to super wealthy men. I was the only one who had maintained her maiden name. The only one who had earned 'real' money in her own right. The only one who had studied beyond high school. My family monetary wealth was a fraction of any of theirs. I was also the ONLY person who didn't spend the evening slagging off her husband.

    But who is to blame? The woman who isn't 'equal' to her man before they marry or the man who goes for the beautiful trophy wife who is his social and economic inferior? And what about all the wonderful smart 'equal' woman who never manage to find a husband. Or end up compromising and marrying some s*** who isn't their equal emotionally or otherwise and then get stuck holding the babies when it turns sour?

  2. Thanks Gweipo

    Both sides are responsible. Is the adulterer to blame? Yes, but what are his reasons? Is the betrayed person to blame? Yes, and what are the reasons there? I don’t buy the simplistic sentiment that “cheating men are scum and betrayed women are innocent victims”. There are reasons why people do the things they do. I’m more interested in the reasons.

    This is why I hope researchers and social commentators can provide a list of common characteristics of all parties involved in the Infidelity Issue, so that we can better understand relationships.

  3. I think you'll find the number one reason for anybody doing anything is: Because they can.

  4. Thanks Cecilie. You may be right but IMHO it seems like a weak reason. I’m inclined to say that view is more of an excuse rather than a reason. For instance, if you permit me to compare “cheating on one’s partner” to “stealing from someone close to you”, then given the opportunity to steal we can see that not everyone does it. Something else must be going on. This is why I think “because they can” is a weak reason or explanation. Perhaps there is a better “reason” or explanation why people act the way they do?